A Love Story....

Ever live in a time when you think nothing is going right? You try so hard to be the person you want to be, but it seems something is working against you. Be it God, the universe, whatever. You dream of this perfect job, the perfect mate, the perfect life, but you wake up to something completely different. Some times you wonder if you should give up on your dreams... is it worth it, you wonder.

Don't give up on your dream. Trust me, because this is a true story...


A few years ago I was not particularly happy about my stagnate job, which made me second guess so many of my dreams. I always thought I wanted to be a wife and mother, but working in childcare, with no future progression, made me think perhaps I was not cut out to be a mom. Then again, you spend 8+ hours a day in ONE room with nine Two Year Olds and you'll wonder if you should be doing anything except living at the "funny farm"... just sayin. I was single, mostly because I chose to be single. I had been so jaded over the years that I never wanted to settle for anything less than perfect for me. So between being single, with no love life in sight and working at a place that was more-so birth control than a job, my life long dream of being a wife & mother seemed to be falling apart.

To say I prayed about it would be an understatement. I did not have particular prayers that pinpointed the perfect mate, just someone to love, who loved me and would let me reach that goal of being a wife and a mother. I didn't say "please God let John Doe fall in love with me" instead I said "Please put me on the right path to finding my future, happy self" Little did I know that my prayers were being interpreted differently....

Ryan and I had a discussion the other day, about his days in the Army and how he managed to survive war. He said he did not know how he survived, or why, as he saw others die, was so close to not being here, to never coming home. He said he just did not understand how it was that HE came home, especially when (in his words) he's not perfect, or this other guy had a family, or someone else deserved to go home more than him. (no, Ryan was no being a depressed, emotional mess... he was being realistic. We all ask ourselves "why me?" don't we?? We simply spoke about how we came to where we are now, and I have a theory....) When Ryan was telling me this all I could think is where would I be if he never came home? It dawned on me... I told Ryan he came home, safe & sound, because I prayed for him.

Ok, so that probably sounds insane, especially if you know the whole circumstance. Ryan came home from war and married someone else. It wasn't me and in fact Ryan & I wouldn't meet for 5+ years. So you probably think I'm insane to think the whole point of his return was to be with me, but let me tell you I am a firm believer in fate, kismet, serendipity.... We both took steps we did not want to take, that eventually led us to one another. So here's how I came to my love story theory....

Ryan returned home, married his "high school sweetheart" (although, it's my understanding she wasn't so sweet-- LOL) and worked his booty off at fairly menial jobs, until one day the wife says she wants to move to Arkansas. Now, I do not know how it came to be that her family lived just miles away from my family in Arkansas-- considering neither one of us grew up in Arkansas, but for some unknown reason, or blessing, she wanted to live closer to her mother, who lived in the next town over from my mother. So Ryan & his wife moved to NWA. The story could end there, but it doesn't.... he struggled with finding the perfect job and some how managed to take a job for the US Census (a temporary gig that only comes around every 10 years!) and was having struggles in his marriage and separated from his wife. I'll pause Ryan's story right here.....

I moved to Arkansas, because I was not sure what I wanted to do. I thought I wanted to teach, but I think I wanted to go back to school, because in my mind school was "safe" ... college is safe. No one expects you to have a career if you're still in college and in order to be a teacher I would have to go back to school... but I had a degree, one I was really interested in, but totally intimidated by because I had no idea how to get to that DREAM job you want when you choose your major in college. So I worked in childcare, it was a form of teaching and quite frankly I was miserable. Although, I do have a few families that I have needed in my life, that I met through childcare. I am very thankful for their friendship and allowing me to share their kids, as I refer to their children as "my babies" and co workers who's friendships I truly adore... but the politics of teaching, the being trapped in ONE room all day long, the never being good enough because this parent would do it differently than that parent and you can't please them all..... I found myself without a job and I needed to pay my rent, so I took a temporary gig with the US Census. Little did I know that as my first week came to an end that the cute boy I just met was going to be the answer to my prayers...

I prayed for him. I don't care how he got to me, or why we both had to go through miserable moments in our life to get there, but my prayers were suddenly answered. This cute boy, who, for some reason always seemed to sit by me when he was in the office, was the answer to my prayers. He was completely unaware that it was my prayers that brought him through all the crazy, sad, tragic, depressing, and weird moments. I do not know why we needed to experience the heartbreak. I don't think it was God's way of challenging us, but I think we fought the easy path, trying to make up our own rules, trying to find our own way, that God finally said "FINE! Go that way, you'll eventually get where I need you to be, but it's going to be REALLY tough!"... and totally worth it.

Ryan and I met at some random job, a job that only comes around once every ten years, a job I would not have found if it wasn't for an old coworker. We fell in love. And for whatever reason, be it my new found strength in trusting the path I should be on, or Ryan's belief in me, or just knowing the right people I finally found my dream job, that I was so intimidated by for so long, and Ryan found his dream job too. Now, of course both of us finding our perfect job was going to have some consequences... like long distance relationship, one of us giving up a job-- in hopes of finding it again somewhere new, plus the whole Ryan being on the road thing... but we are doing it together. And I have faith that it will be ok, because I know that no matter the heartbreak, the struggles, the sadness... God will get me to where I need to be, even if I don't know how I am going to get there.

Ryan was the answer to my prayers and I think it is very important it be said. Many of his friends, family members, his sister... they all tell me that he is finally so happy & that I have been a blessing to his life. After ten years with someone who does not treat you or your family well I guess I could appear to be a blessing to them. It is very important that you know I am not just a blessing to Ryan's life, but he is a blessing to me! I know he's happy, but I am so happy too!! I know, for a fact, that I am not the easiest person to get along with, I'm stubborn and emotional. I am opinionated! Ryan is the quiet to my loud. He's the sane to my insanity. He's the easy-going to my obsessive. He makes me laugh when I want to cry. He loves me for who I am and for that I am thankful. He is the answer to my prayers, because all my life I was told I was ugly, stupid and a b*tch, but Ryan tells me I'm gorgeous, fun and amazing! He tells me every-single-day!! I never thought I would ever deserve such a wonderful man in my life. So while his friends & family think I am his blessing, truth be known he is mine!! The answer to my prayers, the love of my life.

For those of you that want that perfect love story, who just want to fall in love, find a mate to balance you, to support you... don't give up! My theory is that it comes in time and if you constantly try to force things to fall into place you might be pushing other things away. Do not let the heartbreak, sadness and struggles push you down, you're on the right track, you just took the most difficult path because-- as humans-- you feel you know what's best for you. Eventually everything will fall into place. Eventually you will find yourself feeling so blessed. Eventually you will have all the reasons in the world to believe in a love story. Eventually your love story will write itself...

Thanksgiving Week

I would have loved to tell you all about days 11-20 in our thirty days of thanks (#30daysofthanks) but quite frankly if I can't be 100% accurate in recalling everything I tweeted about then I will not feel OK about blogging about it. Since Twitter is not cooperating I am unable to look it all up and it is very frustrating!

So, instead of becoming frustrated with trying to blog about #30daysofthanks I will just tell you about Thanksgiving week. My mom & I attempted to wedding dress shop, but I became very upset with the lack of variety. Every single dress is strapless with tons of pick-ups and that is just not me! So after a total & complete bust dress shopping we decided to get our nails done. Mother/Daughter Mani/Pedi day is way more relaxing and fun than dress shopping.
Ryan & I met up with my friend Alaina and we were able to purchase everything needed to make our flower girls dress. Reagan, my gorgeous flower girl, is going to be quite the little beauty at our wedding!! I'm so excited for this dress!! We also met with Eventures, the rental place, for linens, in order to get an accurate quote. Talk about frustrating.... this has been going on for MONTHS!! They have not been able to provide the accurate quote and are completely irresponsible in replying to emails. I was a little more pleased once we met with them again & were able to get on the same page in person! Unfortunately, I do not live close enough to make face-to-face meetings every time I need something or have a question. They will have to learn to respond to emails or it will never work!
The wedding planning is getting better, but the nightmares are getting worse. We have registered-- at Macy's & Bed, Bath & Beyond-- and have seen a sneak peek into our engagement photos, which should be ready by Monday, or sometime next week! Very exciting!! Just trying to freak out less about wedding ceremony site and wedding dress!! It seems to me that -- aside from the groom -- these two things are the most important things needed for a wedding. I'm a little tired of dreaming about being married in jeans & a t shirt and a drunk groom, elusive bridesmaids and everything else that is just falling apart-- in my nightmares.
All in all this has been a fairly enjoyable Thanksgiving week. I am thankful to just have a lot of Ryan & Julie time, FINALLY!! It's very nice to have him around, all the time. Especially after over a month of weekends only!

I hope everyone has had a relaxing and enjoyable Thanksgiving. Spent with family & friends, loved one. I am thankful to have such a great family and so many wonderful friends who bring such joy to my life. I try not to dwell on what I do not have, but sometimes the emotions get the best of me. This being my first Thanksgiving Grandma-Less is just a little tough. But we have memories, recipes and stories to share to make both my Grandma's just a little more near!

Thank you for being YOU. I appreciate you all, for just the little things you add to my life. Love!! xX

Thirty Days of Thanks (the first ten)

So November seems to always bring out the thankful side of people. Yes, we should probably do it every single day, but it rarely happens. So until we have 365 days of thanks, we have 30 days of thanks!! I have been sharing my thanks with my twitter followers, but I thought I'd keep track here as well. So this blog is (the first) TEN DAYS of THANKS. Here we go:
Day One, I was incredibly thankful that I had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend. Heather was my best friend in Kindergarten, and all the way through fifth grade. We were almost always in the same class and I missed her terribly when we moved away. Some how though Heather & I managed to keep in touch. This is shocking, truly, because the Internet was not as accessible back then. Seriously. We wrote letters to one another, sent cards and eventually we created email accounts and attempted to keep in touch that way. Who knew the invention of facebook would make us even closer, even through the distance. So, oddly enough, Heather moved to the Chicago area when her husband was moved here. And I moved with Ryan to the Chicago area. After 25years of friendship and 19 years of living apart we were able to get together. Heather now has three children (adorable!!) and we spent Nov 1 sitting around her house, me holding her newborn son Kaleb, just chatting & hanging out as if nothing had ever changed. What a blessing!!
Day Two, this must have been the start of the breakdown in our heater, because it was so unbelievably cold in our house. THANKFULLY a few Christmas' ago my mom got me a "bed warmer" or a heated blanket. We turn it on so that when it's time to go to bed the sheets are not freezing. They are nice & Toasty! On Nov 2 I was very thankful I did not have to get out of our cold bed, because it was just way too cold to go anywhere.
Day Three, One of my favorite thankful things. I am truly blessed to have bosses who believe in me so much that they have fully supported me moving to Illinois and more importantly my job search. All three people I reported to at the Naturals, from my supervisor, to the Asst GM to the General Manager of the NWA Naturals have all said to me that they would do anything to help me find a job, they will be a reference for me, make calls for me, and do what ever I may need. This speaks such volumes of what they must have truly thought about me and I am so thankful to have such wonderful, supportive people so willing to help who honestly believe in me!
Day Four, Nov 4 was a Friday, so obviously I was incredibly thankful that my love, Ryan, was on his way home after another week apart (for his work). The work weeks are tough, because I WANT to work so much and do not have a job and Ryan tends to have to travel for work, so it leaves me..... bored, perhaps. I look forward to seeing my love every chance I get, so every single Friday is a perfect day to give thanks, that I have a love in my life and that he comes home to me, and he's just as happy to see me as I am to see him!!
Day Five, HA!! I was thankful for insurance. I personally do not have any, but I am very thankful for Ryan's insurance, because in the last month he has had 4 teeth pulled (wisdom teeth, why do we have them??) so between the cost of procedures, antibiotics and pain killers, I am oh so thankful for insurance. Not to mention that in 295 days I will be covered on that insurance and so will our future children!
Day Six, PARENTS!! I have amazing, supportive, wonderful parents! yes, they yelled at us, or punished us, but they never, not once belittled and abused us!! I have a neighbor that reminds me daily how grateful I am for such wonderful parents. I hear my neighbor talk to her children and I am disgusted by her "parenting" so today & everyday I give thanks for the sort of parents who love you, even though you make mistakes, bail you out in time of need, never give up on you and even when you piss them off they still love you!!
Day Seven, Thankful for photos and videos of my puppies. I miss them probably more than I miss my friends & parents. Mostly because they can't talk on the phone or possibly know how much they mean to me. I videoed my pups and took hundreds of pictures of them. Everyday I look at the pictures. Everyday I see their little paws, faces, noses, tails and everything fabulous about them!! Don't worry puppies, I am coming home to see you soon!!
Day Eight, I spent the day with Erin, my future-sister-in-law. We just wandered around, shopping, hanging out. It was great. I grew up with one brother, who I do not always get along with, who doesn't seem to treasure our relationship nearly as much as I do, so having a sibling isn't always fabulous. Erin makes it so easy to hang out, to just be "sisters" and that is quite a blessing.
Day Nine, So many heroes in our world. I am thankful for all that serve our country. Not JUST the military, although they do hold a very special place in my heart. Fire fighters, police officers, people so willing to do for others, to give their own lives just to protect ours. What a blessing to live in a free world, that is provided to us by people who do the things we would not want to do ourselves. First Responders, Military & every day heroes, THANK YOU!! Specifically my Dad & Ryan. Amazing men!!
Day Ten, Grandmas. So, I've said it a hundred times before, but life really is not the same without Grandmas. I was 24 when my Gram passed away. She was the epitome of everything Grandma's should be. She never yelled at us, she always let us do whatever it was we wanted (including throwing her waxed fruit center pieces around the house) and she fed us til we wanted to puke. She made everything about family & love!! At the beginning of this year I lost my other grandma. This one is not at all the same as the other, but just as great none-the-less. See, she was the sort of wife who made sure a hot dinner plate was sitting at the table when grandpa got home, the sort of wife who always did the cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc. Towards the end of her life she was not able to do these things and Grandpa had to learn... wow! That was something to witness. But you know what, it was during these "weak" moments in her health that I saw how strong she was, truly. She got angry at me for checking on her all the time-- even cursed at me when I called my mom to tell her about a chemo treatment. She was NOT to be taken care of, she was the one who was suppose to take care of us. She was a pistol too. She never took no sh*t from anyone. She was the sort of woman who would put you in your place if you did something she did not approve. She might have served people & did all those anti-feminist things, but she willingly did it and if there was something she did not want to do, boy did she tell you!! I guess I always WANTED to be more like my Gram, but I think in reality I might just be more like my Grandma and I don't really think it is a bad thing. I guess you could say I had two wonderful grandmas who taught me how to love & how to be strong. How lucky am I?!

Nightmares, really? Is it necessary?

I am just counting down the minutes until I need to leave to pick up Ryan from the airport. These weeks away for work are pretty annoying for me, considering I moved up here to be with him and, granted I see him more than I did when I was in Arkansas, weekends are just not cutting it. When I was in Arkansas I ONLY saw him once a month, so I should be thankful for this extra time, but I can't wait for him to just be home, every single night!! So while I'm sitting here I thought I'd take a moment to blog...

I am trying to stay positive on the job front, but going from working INSANE hours to nothing is really taking it's toll on me. I might not miss the 110 degree summer spent outside running around and sweating, but I do miss the fun-- working in baseball is FUN!!! Who knew?! And now that ALL of baseball is over for the winter I am heart-broken by the lack of things I have to entertain me. I would love to get back to work, to have time to get wedding planning and Ryan being away off my brain! Seems the nightmares have gone into full effect on me.

Yep, NIGHTMARES! As in, I dreamt that my hair & make up people did not show up (which is so not like them, they are like family-- uber reliable!!) I did not have a dress, so as I had a break down, crying, in my jeans and a t shirt on my wedding day while Ryan is too drunk to console my emotional meltdown. What is that about?!!??! Something tells me I need to find a dress, before I lose my mind completely. This Thanksgiving break I would like to get started on getting the Saved the Dates and the dress. Plus, Ryan & I keep talking about starting the registry, but we have yet to start, which means if we don't BY Thanksgiving then we will have to wait until January-- after the holiday madness. Plus, don't even get me started on not having a ceremony site or people not returning emails and phone calls. It's all starting to weigh on me and I need something to get my brain off the stress of it all, so I can have pleasant dreams.

Well, just two hours to go until I get to go pick up Ryan. I am going to pause this blog until next week, gotta get ready... Our big plans this weekend? To do nothing. Just relax & enjoy our time together. Can't wait... =)