Here we are, now where do we go?

I am at the end of the road. I spent the morning cleaning out my desk. Don't worry friends, I still have a couple more weeks here, but it is just approaching so quickly. We have two more homestands: Aug 17-22 and Aug 27-Sept 2. Then IF we make it to the playoffs we might have an extra week or two of work. It hit me yesterday when I was scheduling appearances, I asked Katie "so when's our last day" to which she replied "I was going to talk to you guys about that tomorrow or Thursday"... leaving me without a definite answer of when this whole thing ends.

I knew when I was hired this was a seasonal position, of course I jumped at the chance, because in this economy you can't hold out for everything perfect. This has been a fabulous spring & summer. I would have never traded the experience and the fun I have had this season. I wish it didn't have to come to an end, but of course there is a part of me that is so happy it is going to end. I have been patiently waiting for a perfect job opportunity in Chicago (which may, suddenly, become Columbus, OH-- I can only hope...) that would rescue me from Arkansas and let me be with Ryan. He left at the end of March and obviously, if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you know how hard it has been. I honestly thought this would be a piece of cake. I was going to be so extremely busy this summer with games, appearances, etc that I wouldn't even have time to miss him. But I obviously found time, made time. While I cannot believe how quickly the season has flown by, how quickly the end of my job is approaching, it is the exact opposite when I think of how long Ryan has been in Chicago. It feels like forever since we had more than a quick weekend together.

So, I sit here, wondering if I have a job in a month, wondering if I'm suppose to be applying in Columbus or Chicago, wondering if everything will eventually work out or if I will constantly struggle through the rest of this year-- or more-- just to get to the future I have been dreaming about. You know the one.... married, babies, not living in Arkansas ... In case you're curious, why the italics around the state in which I live, it's simply because I feel it's not JUST a state, but a state of mind. We all know this place has a reputation, I will be the first to admit I was incredibly hesistant when I moved here. There are parts I have absolutely grown to love and others I could simply do without. Either way when I say Arkansas I do mean the dreadedness of all the things you hear about this place that make you want to NEVER tell anyone you once lived here-- for a long time. (I thought this was only suppose to be a year or two.... 4.5 years later.) Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad I randomly ended up in this place and I am so glad Ryan randomly ended up here too... Makes me happy. =)

That being said, though, how long do I have to wait to be employed closer to Ryan, how long til we live together and can start our family together? How long til the entire dream comes together? I'm not a patient person and the unknown keeps me from being as orgazined and planned-out as I want to be... i cannot stand the unknown. I've never been one for surprises (unless you can pull off a REAL surprise-- without me suspecting anything) and my lack of patience has certainly gotten me stressed beyond belief.

Where do I go from here? How long do I have? When does the future get to finally become the present? Do I get answers to these questions or do I continue to wonder and deal with the added stress of the unknown... of the future?