Family of Four...

So it dawned on me the other day that I have not posted a blog in a really long time. A super long time. I never wanted to be the parent who did so much for our first born, but then slacked on the next child or the next child or the next child, but the truth of the matter is... I'm not slacking!

Life as a mother to two (two children under two that is) is a whole new process. There is no time for blog posts or updates. I rely solely on our fb posts to keep family up-to-date because I don't even have time to pick up the phone. Not that just having two kids made all of that impossible, but of course my crazy job and it's demanding hours didn't help, not to mention I returned to work right before Christmas, so the holidays certainly don't help, and of course there is the fact that I just don't care to post that much anymore.

I used to love to make a post every now and then, updating the world or creating my own little diary for me to share with my kids one day. Now... now I barely have the desire to do much more than cuddle my kiddos, laugh hysterically at my insane, sweet, adorable toddler and try to keep up with my now mobile infant. In a blink of an eye my whole world was now on the outside of me, giant chunks of my heart WALKING and CRAWLING around.

My son, the sweetest boy on Earth, is such a loving big brother, giving hugs & kisses to his sissy every day! He cannot wait for her to be big enough to keep up with him. He doesn't realize how rough he is being with her, because he is just so overwhelmed with excitement that he has his own little playmate full-time now. He brightens my day every single day, with all the words, all the milestones, all the tricks, all the hugs & kisses... I sound like a typical gushing mother, but seriously I have never known a child to be so lovingly sweet!

My daughter, while her birth was easier than his, she has challenged us from the beginning. To basically making it nearly impossible to nurse her, to having colic and crying endlessly for hours at a time each and every night, to being sick pretty much always. She has always had a "upper respiratory infection" since she started to get over colic, then a terrible infection that almost landed her hospitalized at only 4 months of age, and now (still) an upper respiratory infection. We are working on narrowing down any allergies she may have to us or our home and we have been giving her breathing treatments since she was 5mos old. She's now 9mos old, crawling all through the house and man does she want to walk so bad! She wants to chase her brother all through our house!! She's going to get there in just another blink of an eye and I'm so thrilled and terrified!!

I am the proudest mommy and I know this will likely be the last blog post for a really long time! It's not for a lack of having things to say, but just because I want to live these moments more often! I struggled for a really long time on trying to figure out what I was here (on this Earth even) to do, but I know that no matter what I do I will always be the proudest mommy!! Every single milestone, every single smile, giggle, fall, bruise, and kiss & hug makes my entire life better than I ever could have imaged!!

 

Real life...

I once was a person who believed life should end up like a romantic comedy. It should be two people who knew from the start that they were meant for one another. Even through obstacles, challenges, tests and years or miles of separation they would always know there was something there. Maybe some slapstick, headache inducing "problems" arise, maybe it would be a challenge of wrong timing. Who knows what the obstacles would be, but there would definitely be obstacles, but in the end it was meant to be happily ever after. The glass slipper. The book Love in the Time of Cholera. The letters, written every day, showing that you were on their mind every single day. Something that would get you to happily ever after... definitely!

Once in my life I tried to make real life into those moments. I lead myself to believe this could be that real life fairy tale, but it was forced. The fairly tale was not real life, or real life isn't a fairy tale. No matter how hard I tried real life could never be made into a romantic comedy and you don't find yourself in those situations where it's just handed to you... here is your happily ever after. Instead, real life is hard work. It's getting to a place of comfort and love, but there will never be the moment when you realize it's your happily ever after. Right? There is no carriage ride into the sunset, not in real life, right?

I'm lucky for where I am now. You could always second guess yourself, wonder about the "what ifs" in life, where is my sweep you off your feet moment, but why? Real life is love & patience. It is family & strength. It is fighting & making up. It is us, working together for us. No sunset waiting for you, the life you pick doesn't end with a happily ever after, because it is constantly moving forward, living the life. My life now is full. Full of love & happiness, because of the place I call home. I know that I am loved, I have everything but the white picket fence. The beautiful house, doggy, and my own, personal family, that loves me! No use in looking for the moment, that romantic comedy, love story moment, because it doesn't actually happen in real life. There is no happily ever after, because it doesn't end at sunset, it goes on...

No The End?

The importance of teaching love & family to my baby...

I hope to teach my child about love and family, the way my parents (& grandparents) taught me. My parents always let us learn the valuable lessons, but were there to pick us up when we fell. They told us from as far back as I can remember that no matter how angry or sad you feel today, those are not feelings you have to take to tomorrow (a nicer way of saying "you'll get over it") and I remember that when I fight with my sibling, when work becomes too challenging, when I feel like my world caved in, when I may think of giving up or giving in. I have faith that tomorrow will be better, I hope that my struggles will teach me to be stronger and that no matter what, I am loved.

I want to teach my child these things, but I also feel the need to protect him from learning the hard lessons, especially at such a young age (he can learn them when he's 18-- HAH!) I know I can't protect him from disappointment. I know I can't protect him from hurt. But I'm his mommy & if I can help it, I will do my best to ensure he doesn't have to learn those things yet. His first lesson should be that no matter what HE IS LOVED!

His family should be something he can always count on. We should be there to pick him up, not knock him down. We should be there to guide him when he feels lost and ensure he knows, that no matter what he does, he will ALWAYS be loved. That is family! No disagreement or disappointment will ever take our love away.

I am reminded of my favorite bible passage, the one I was raised by-- it was written on our walls in our home and it is how my family lives, to the best of our abilities-- A letter from St Paul to the Corinthians. These are the lessons I want my child to learn. This is what I want my child to take away knowing about his family...

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love

• I always knew this passage to mean that love means you do not do the good things, just to be rewarded (or boast), but rather you do it for love, even if you get nothing in return.
• I knew this to mean that speaking that you love (or that you focus on family) just to tell others, but do not practice that with love in your heart is just you merely making noises and your words are useless.
• I knew this passage meant that bringing up the past, keeping records of how you've been wronged or how others may have failed is not love, but forgiving wholly, loving completely is the only way to have any faith or hope.
• You don't make practice of gossip or exaggerating or building your life up while tearing others down, because the truth is all that matters is love, with God, in heaven.
• If you don't have love, then you have nothing.

To me, this passage is about family. The family you are born to and the family your marriage creates-- hence the reason this passage is read at many weddings and was even posted on our tables! My family (mom, dad, brother) are the sort of people that will always be there for me.  My family (Ryan & Conner) will always be there & I will always love them!! We are not perfect, but it always comes back to the fact that unconditionally we love each other and refuse to let the noisy words or past drown out the faith we have that we love each other & we always will... I want my child to have a sibling they can argue with or disagree with, but still know that, no matter what, we don't turn our backs on one another. I know he already has two parents and grandparents who, no matter what, will always love him!

LOVE, L-O-V-E means we don't delight in struggles of others, we don't help just to be rewarded, we don't keep track of who has done us wrong, we don't gossip or create drama, because it means we love. Unconditionally. Whole-heartily. Love!

I want Conner to take that with him in his life, to love others, but I want him to know that he is loved. Always. For ever & ever & always.

Almost 8 weeks later...

We've been through so much... a Dr's visit almost every week. Yes, we are new parents and we know nothing about some of these things (someone could have warned me how gross his umbilical cord would be when it fell off. I almost "toss my cookies") and I broke out in hives. It was so scary, but we have a healthy and happy baby.

I spent the first month of his life sleeping on the couch (mostly because I couldn't sleep in the bed, due to my incision, stitches & pain, plus the nursing every hour or so) and Conner slept in my arms. I loved it because I love the bonding and the cuddling. Rusty was not as big a fan, as I was pretty much off limits to him. My mother tried to warn me I was "spoiling" the baby by holding him ALL day, but I couldn't put him down. I was so in love!! Unfortunately this did leave me feeling drained. When people tell you the first two weeks of nursing is the toughest they are not kidding!! I felt like I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't get a minute away, I felt like I was basically constantly attached to the baby and as much as I loved most of it, it left me with a severe case of cabin fever. I just wanted to get a moment alone. 18 days later I finally got it... with an hour at the nail salon getting my toes done! When I returned home I couldn't get enough of Conner. I just missed him so much!!

Ryan has been getting better and better every day with this whole fatherhood thing. Almost 8 weeks later you almost can't tell that he had ZERO experience with children. Hard to believe he's the same guy who said to me "I'll do it, but I've never done it before and don't know how" when I asked him, in the hospital, to change Conner's diaper. After walking him through it, he has started to catch on. He looks like a natural carrying our little man around the house.

Now that Conner has gotten bigger and is awake & alert more it just kills me to see his facial expressions. Sometimes he looks EXACTLY like his father, other times I swear he's a mini-me. We are so in love with this baby it is hard to believe he's almost 8 weeks old and in just a month I will have to leave him to go back to work.

 

 

He is now sleeping in his bassinet during the night and we are capable of doing things as a family. We made a return to church for the first time as a family of 3 and while Conner did make a few things a little difficult it was nice to get back there. We will be baptizing Conner after Christmas and are so thankful that he will have the greatest Godparents ever (my college roommate/matron of honor Megan and her husband Mike.) He loves tummy time and kicking on his floor mats. He's not a fan of Rusty's kisses, but he likes to look at him. His sweet BLUE eyes follow me whenever I hand him over to someone else to hold. He loves his Nonna when she talks to him, endlessly. He gets his daddy time when Ryan returns from work and he is the sweetest baby ever.

As much as I said I never wanted to do this whole pregnancy thing again this kid might just change my mind. He melts my heart and I've never felt so happy. I could just cover him in kisses and stay with him forever. I might be a very protective mommy, but I just love him more than words could describe!! So thankful for this little man in our life!

 

Professional photos by KatieColePhotography

www.Katiecole.com

It's a .....

BOY!!! Conner James Fitzpatrick made his debut at 5:41PM on Tuesday, July 23. We are so blessed to have such a sweet, adorable son. It was quite the effort to get him here, but what a blessing he is to our family!!

We knew on Friday we would be going in for an induction on Monday evening. We were scheduled to check in at 5PM on Monday, things would be pushed bright & early on Tuesday and baby should be joining us some time Tuesday. When we arrived they started one thing to move things along. My labor & contractions started immediately and came on full force! It was scary and painful.

The contractions were coming every 3-5 minutes and getting closer together and stronger. Unfortunately my cervix & the baby were not as active. Nothing was progressing Monday, into Tuesday. I attempted to get some rest through the night, but the contractions were getting pretty painful. The doctor ordered for the meds he prescribed to kick off labor and start dilating, to be stopped, because of how quickly the contractions took off for me. Baby wasn't really enjoying the medicine anyway, as every time I would get up his (or at the time it could have been hers) heart tones would drop. Even after stopping the meds the contractions were still taking off for me and coming quickly and even more painfully. They. Were. Unstopping.

We didn't want to start the epidural too early, so they gave me pain medicine. The pain pills worked for about an hour for me. I was able to sleep for an hour, but then the contractions came back, stronger, more often!! Now baby's heart tones were dropping again with every other contraction and they didn't want to give me pain medicine anymore. It was about 5AM by this time and neither myself, nor Ryan, had gotten any sleep. Twelve hours of labor and no real progression. Lucky for me I have a very loving husband who stood by my side, holding my hand and trying to be as supportive as possible as I was brought to almost tears with every contraction.

The epidural was ordered and it took two tries due to the contractions I had consistently through the procedure. But once it was in... Hey Ladies, why would you EVER pass up an epidural? It was a life saver for me!! Unfortunately for me the procedure for the epidural was difficult. Not only did it take two tries, but the aftermath of the epidural was rough!

My blood pressure dropped. A lot! I got very nauseated, very sick, luckily I couldn't feel contractions anymore because I was passing out from the drop in BP alone. I rested, they cooled me off, I waited and finally my numbers started getting back to normal again! They waited a few more hours longer than everyone had planned to start the Pitocin, but I needed normal BP, I was not progressing without Pitocin and baby was staying "normal"... Once I was able to get my blood pressure back up I started feeling better. They decided to start the Pitocin and see what happens...

Of course the Pitocin had a side effect with baby, the heart tones were dropping again. Luckily no serious side effects for me, but we had to stop the Pitocin and get baby's heart rate back to normal. We stopped the Pitocin and they gave me oxygen again (I had been on & off oxygen for a few hours through out the night). They warned me "we may have to do a C-section if we can't keep the heart rate constant" we were going to wait until baby's heart rate remained normal before any decision, I may have just lied there and cried. Hearing baby may be in harms way, feeling sick because of your own BP and knowing you may not get to make any final decisions on your own is very overwhelming-- especially after a night of no sleep and lots of pain. Baby got back to normal, they wanted to introduce Pitocin again. Once we got up to a certain point baby reacted negatively again. We were trying to not have to do a C-section, but on & off Pitocin wasn't doing anything for me. And it certainly wasn't helping baby at all.

The back & forth felt like hours!! It was endless, I just wanted my baby out and I was exhausted. I may not have been feeling any pain, but I was so ready to get the baby out. I wanted to see him (or her) and wanted all these wires off! They monitored my blood pressure, my pulse, I had an IV, epidural and catheter. I was so over being attached to wires. The machine automatically takes your BP and it was so annoying, because if you move even a little it would have to restart. They would then come in and say they were monitoring baby's BP and there were issues. JUST GET THE BABY OUT... PLEASE!!

Around 4PM the doctor came back and we made the final decision... it had to be a C-section. I could have put it off and tried to progress, but it wasn't worth putting my baby's health in harms way. My parents arrived, my dad beat my mom here-- shocking (as my mother tells the story of the day I was born, he almost didn't make it to my delivery)! They got me all ready to go, wheeled my bed down the hall, I saw my mom in the hallway, got a kiss good luck and off I went to the surgery room. Ryan had to wait outside until they had me completely prepped-- then he came in and held my hand as I lied their shaking from being freezing cold.

We were behind the screen and of course I couldn't "feel" anything, but it felt like I was a piece of leather luggage meant to hold a couple day's worth of clothes that someone was trying to pack for a month long vacation! I really don't know how else to explain it, just pulling & tugging. It didn't hurt, but it was scary!!

I'll spare you the details, but they finally announce "BIG BABY!" and "Ryan, do you want to tell her what you have here?" Ryan peaks over the blankets and sees "it's a boy! I told you so!!!" he says! They take him out, clean him up. I can see him over in the corner with the nurses-- Ryan is still holding my hand and tears just start pouring from my eyes. I felt like I was in shock-- I didn't really feel like it was real. I didn't feel like I was there. I wanted to see my baby up close, but I was feeling very sick. They hand him over to Ryan who gets to hold him until they are ready to have him walked down to the nursery! Ryan snaps a few photos and I finally get an up close look at my baby. As I lied there getting stitched up & cleaned up they told my parents to head towards the nursery and they stood there as Ryan walks in with our big baby boy! As Ryan left the delivery room I said to him "if you drop my baby I will kill you"... or at least that's what I'm told I said-- I don't remember too much. After Ryan left the room my teeth started chattering, they stitched me together and I could hear voices. One of the Dr's kept asking for warm blankets for me, but my eyes must have been closed. I felt like I was awake, but when I finally opened my eyes the Dr said "Oh good, you're awake, I thought you were taking a nap on us!"

 

 

Our Big Boy weighed in at 9lb 8 oz & 22inches big baby boy!!

 After surgery I went back to my room to recover and we waited for Conner James to make his appearance with the family...

My blood pressure was low again and they kept a close eye on me. They brought Conner in for us to meet him but had warned me his blood sugar was low. They wanted me to nurse him often and they would keep testing his blood sugar. After every attempt nursing him they would wheel him away for a couple hours, to monitor him. They told me if his numbers didn't climb they were going to put an IV in him and have to keep him in the NICU-- ummm, my baby is a big boy and he's mine, he stays with him. They kept him, bringing him to me just to nurse, until finally he had 3 solid blood sugar numbers AND my BP balanced back out. Now we finally have a big, healthy boy, who loves to snuggle and loves to suck (his thumb & pointer finger), he has a perfectly round head (the upside to never attempting to make his way out the "normal" way) and he pushes his head back to "look" around, even if he isn't seeing anything. He came out with a very strong neck or at least a strong desire to hold his head up a lot. His little baby noises were sweet sounds to our ears and we are so blessed to have Conner James here with us!!

 

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR PRAYERS! We feel very blessed to be surrounded by such loving, caring people and to have such a sweet, big, healthy baby boy in our family!!