22wks + 2 days... Ever since the morning sickness became a memory & I started to feel baby kicks this pregnancy is flying by... Hard to believe it's only been a few weeks since I was hugging the trash can & telling Ryan this is it. This is our only child. Now, even though I don't sleep well, I feel more like a capable pregnant lady... I CAN do this.
Well, I can do the pregnancy at least. Still lots of anxiety about baby's arrival. I hope I can be completely honest without too much judgment...
I'm terrified about what is to come. No, not about the parenting, because I know I'll make mistakes, but I know I'll be the best mommy I can be. I know I'll love my baby to the ends of the earth... My anxiety is about actually having the baby & the time frame that comes during maternity leave. And just after. I hope other mommies & mommies-to-be can relate & I'm not alone.
Terrified of giving birth, obviously, can't be that abnormal. I mean, especially your first time around, the thought of all the pain and (to avoid being too graphic) all the icky-ness that you hear about. I can only hope that the TV shows & movies have this part wrong too. I mean they totally lied about the pregnancy part. No one ever, ever, ever told me how bad morning sickness really was or how much I would hate being pregnant for the first 16weeks.
Then comes the part about bringing baby home, alone, while getting no sleep, bleeding, hurting, trying to care for an adorable baby who has that umbilical cord still on its belly & you have to clean it. I mean it's gross & what if I do it wrong or the dog gets it, like that movie. What if we have a boy, then there's the fear that we won't clean the circumcision correctly and my baby's little friend is infected or hurts or falls off-- oh boy!!!
Then your clothes don't fit, you're sleep deprived & God knows I can count on being crazy hormonal. The idea of dealing with normal hormones alone is scary, I mean I can have meltdowns with the best of them, then there's the fear of post-partum depression. These things terrify me. I told my husband don't be offended if all I want is my Mommy. She's the only person who's seen me at my worst AND experienced child birth.
The weeks after my baby & I come home from the hospital are sure to be rough & the anxiety I have about it already makes me nervous that I will fall apart. I'm nervous that I'll feel like crap & look like it too. My clothes won't fit, my hair will fall out, I won't feel like putting on makeup or trying to look good, but people will want to visit & see our sweet, beautiful blessing. They'll want to hold him or her, spoil him or her, cuddle & love too. But I'll be the person to entertain... Do we have something besides water to offer the visitors, will they judge me because I can't shower, I don't sleep, I can't function or formulate sentences.
I am terrified about how puppy will react... To baby & visitors. I'm a nervous wreck about how people will react as they secretly judge me for being too hands on or not hands on enough. I am terrified that my child will form some crazy bond with anyone who isn't me (or Ryan). That, of course, leads me to the fears and anxieties I have about leaving my child in daycare... the separation that will probably cause me to cry daily as I walk away from my sweet baby for 8+ hours at a time.
Less than 18wks to go & the anxiety is in overload. And to think I spent all my life wanting to be a mommy & now that it's within my reach I'm in full meltdown mode.
